Why It’s Impossible to Make Plans Anymore

In the landline-days of old, a plan had to be a solid commitment. Now, it more closely resembles a series of nebulous inklings. For some context, we made this video:

If you do decide to embark on making plans in 2014, I have also prepared this glossary of terms:

A Plan: Once heralded as a firm commitment to an event in the future, a plan is now largely considered to be a string of noncommittal text messages leading up to a series of potential, though unlikely, events.

A Cellphone: Your primary device for making plans. More specifically, the medium with which most plans are conceived and later altered. It’s imperative that you keep your cellphone on your person at all times, as you can expect all plans to dissolve into an amorphous cloud upon conception.

Reconfirmation: A reconfirmation is a neurotic reiteration of plan that has already been confirmed. There may be dozens of these leading up to your plan’s intended start time. “hey still on for tonight?” “excited for tomorrow, 7pm right?” etc. Despite the fact that your plan may have been concieved less than 24 hours before, reconfirmations are necessary because people have no calendar management skills.

Optimizers: An optimizer is in a constant state of choosing which plan to execute due to the fact that they have confirmed multiple overlapping plans. Common SMS phrases include “maybe, where is it?” or “are their girls there?” Optimizing is a term used to describe everyone that uses a cellphone to make plans.

Latecomers: Despite the remedial time-management skills necessary to arrive on time, these guys will always be stuck in traffic, still at work, or looking for parking. “Sorry running 5min late”, “OMG so much predictable traffic, where you going after?” and so on.

No-Shows: Every plan has a few no-shows, especially at the last minute. Be prepared to endure a flurry of attempts to reschedule or “meet up after” texts. The ease with which they can send their excuses insulates them from what otherwise might be considered rude neglect.

Related: I am never late. I value time above all else. Therefore those who don’t respect it, or are clumsy with it, are in my eyes carelessly wasting our most precious resource. I have no respect for people that are consistently late. I am not in awe of their busy schedules; I’m just annoyed they don’t have a rudimentary understanding of how time passes.

It’s really not that hard.

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